Yesterday my tired 6-yr-old shed tears about his poor math skills. Mind you no one has ever taught him math. “Harrison knows math. Other kids know math. I don’t know anything. I’m not smart.”
After my heart re-inflated, I proceeded to tell my son each and every thing he does that is brilliant. His response for most of what I listed was, “That doesn’t count.” It was then that my ears started to burn imagining my husband laughing at me because I say those exact words every time we discuss my accomplishments (or lack thereof).
It goes like this.
Me: “I know I will feel like I’m doing something good with my life if I can just get a book out there. Then I’ll be a real writer.”
Sage: “You are a writer. What about your business articles that are in print?”
Me: “No, that doesn’t count.”
Sage: “Your online writing, posted by others?”
Me: “No that doesn’t count either. Fiction. In print.”
Sage: “Self published?”
Me: “No, that doesn’t count. I want someone else to pay for it to be printed.”
Sage: “What if it’s just on Kindle?”
Me: “What? No. Nobody does that. It has to be at Amazon.”
Sage: “What if they only make a small number of copies?”
Me: “How small?”
Sage: (Laughter) “So, you mean to tell me if you get a book contract, we can stop having this conversation about your lack of worth?”
Me: “Yes.”
Sage: “What if the book gets bad reviews, is the lowest ranked book on Amazon, and no one buys it?”
Me: “Well . . . I just want to really accomplish something, successfully, you know?”
Sage: “Like starting a business.”
Me: “No, no, not that. There’s lot’s of that going on.”
Sage: “Like being a great Mom to a sweet little boy.”
Me: “No! Anybody can do that.”
Sage: (Laughter + Sigh) “After you hold that book in your hand, and tell me it doesn’t count, I will never let you live it down.”
How many of us give something else the credit for success and take all the blame for failure? I cause failure, but God provides success. This is logically impossible, so why so prevalent? Is it guilt from original sin? Perfectionism drilled in from the parents? The drum beat of capitalist American ideology? I’ve got no insight, but I need to remind myself, and my son, that it counts. It all counts.